关于爆笑英文小笑话：The Interview
老板也是走投无路了
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
关于爆笑英文小笑话：Last Request
Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you, dear?" asked Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "My husband passed away last night."
"Oh, Mary!" said the good father. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Yes...," Mary replied sheepishly.
"Well?"
"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'"
关于爆笑英文小笑话：Fresh Marriage Breakfest
Not long after their wedding, Scott and Tracy awoke early one morning. The couple had been up for quite a while before they met up in the kitchen. Marriage was agreeing with Scott, and he greeted his new wife with glee and excitation that morning. "If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Tracy, the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready." "Great! What are we having for breakfast?" asked Scott. "Toast and juice," replied Tracy.
关于爆笑英文小笑话：Why Men Can't Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.
关于爆笑英文小笑话：Back to the Honeymoon
A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on theirhoneymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running
along the road.
The woman said,
"Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago."
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before.
Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!"
The woman says, "thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"
冷笑话是一种新兴的语言现象,伴随着网络的普及它已经渗透到了青年群体的日常生活。下面小编整理了史上最搞笑的英语笑话，希望大家喜欢!
史上最搞笑的英语笑话摘抄
把我吓个半死(中英)
A woman was walking along the beach when she saw a bottle on the sand. She picked it up and removed its top. Whoosh! A big puff of smoke appeared.
一位妇女正在沿着海滩散步，突然她看见沙滩上有个瓶子。她捡起了瓶子，拔开了瓶塞。呼的一声，冒起一股浓烟。
"You have released me from my prison,”the genie told her. "To show my thanks, I’11 grant you three wishes. But take care, for with each wish，your mate, will receive double of whatever you request.”
“你把我从囚禁中解救了出来，”妖怪对她说:“为了表示对你的感谢，我将满足你三个愿望。但是要注意，你每实现一个愿望，你的丈夫会得到双倍你所要求的东西。”
"Why?" The woman asked. "He left me for another woman.”
“为什么?他为了另一个女人抛弃了我。”这位妇女问。
"That is how it is written，”replied the genie.
“只能如此。”妖怪回答道。
The woman shrugged and then asked for a million dollars. There was a flash of light, and a million appeared at her feet. At the same instant, in a distant place，her husband was down to see twice that amount at his feet.
这位妇女很无奈地耸了耸肩，要了一百万美元。一道亮光闪过，在她的脚下出现了一百万美元。与此同时，在遥远的地方，她的丈夫正在看着脚下双倍数目的钱。
"And your second wish?"
“你的第二个愿望呢?”
"Genie, I want the world's most expensive diamond necklace.” Another flash of light, and the woman was holding the precious treasure. And in that remote place, her husband was wondering what had made so many precious stones come to him from nowhere at all.
“妖怪，我想要世界上最贵重的钻石项链。”有一道亮光闪过，这个妇女的手中便出现了这贵重的宝物。在那个遥远的地方，她的丈夫正在奇怪从什么地方冒出这么多宝石来。
"Genie，is it really true that my husband has two million dollars and more jewels than I do, and that he gets double of whatever I wish for?
“妖怪，我丈夫真的拥有了两百万美元，还有比我更多财宝，而且不论我要什么，他就能得到双倍吗?”
The genie said it was indeed true.
妖怪说确实如此。
Okay，genie，I’ m ready for my Last wish,” the woman said. "Scare me half to death.”
“好了，妖怪，我已经想好了我的最后一个愿望了。”这位妇女说二“把我吓个半死吧。”
史上最搞笑的英语笑话鉴赏
谁最臭(中英)
A grocer, a banker and a politician got lost in the forest. Eventually they came to a farmer's house and asked if he could put them up overnight.
一个杂货商、一个银行家和一个政客在森林里迷了路。最后，他们来到一家农舍，询问是否能在此住宿。
“Sure,”the farmer said, “but I've got room for only two of you in the house. The other will have to sleep in the barn with the animals, and the smell is very bad out there.”
“没问题，”农户说，“可是我的房子里只能安排得下两个人，另外一个得到牲口棚跟牲口睡在一起，那里的气味很难闻。”
"I'll sleep in the barn,” the banker volunteered.
“我去牲口棚睡。”银行家自告奋勇。
Half an hour later a knock was heard on the farmer's houses door, and there stood the banker, gasping," I can't take the smell.”
半个小时以后，他们听到有人敲门，银行家站在门口，喘着粗气:“那种气味我真的受不了。”
"All right,” said the grocer. "I' 11 sleep in the barn. "And off he went.
“好吧，”杂货商说:“我去牲口棚睡，”转身他就走了。
In a while there was another knock on the door. "I've put up with some rank odors from spoiled food,” the grocer complained," but that barn tops them all.”
不久，又响起了敲门的声音。“就连变质的食物恶臭我都能忍受，”他说，“但是，牲口棚的气味r以十么都难闻。”
"You two sissies,” said the politician" I'11 sleep in the barn.”
“你们两个真的没用,”政客说,“我去那儿睡。”
Thirty minutes later came another knock. When they opened the door There stood all the animals from the barn.
半个小时以后，又响起了敲门声。他们打开门，看到牲口棚的所有牲口都站在门口。
史上最搞笑的英语笑话赏析
自己来(中英)
An old friend from abroad, whom I was expecting to stay with me, telephoned from the airport to tell me that he had arrived. I was still at the office at the time, but I had made arrangements for his arrival. After explaining where my new flat was, I told him that I had left the key under the room一mat. As I was likely to be home rather late, I advised him to go into the kitchen and help himself to food and drink.
一位国外来的老朋友从飞机场打电话，告诉我他已经到达，我一直期盼着与他相聚。那时，我仍在办公室里，不过对于他的到来我已做好了安排。说清我的新公寓的位置后，我告诉他把钥匙放在擦脚的垫子下面。由于我可能很晚才能回家，我建议他到厨房自己弄点吃喝的东西。
Two hours later my friend telephoned me from the flat. At the moment, he was listening to some of my records after having just had a truly wonderful meal. He had found a pan on the gas stove and fried two eggs and had helped himself to some cold chicken from the refrigerator. Now, he said, he was drinking a glass of orange juice and he hoped I would join him. When I asked him if he had reached the flat without difficulty, he answered that be had not been able to find the key under the room-mat , but fortunately the living-room window just by the apple tree had been left open and he had climbed in. I listened to all this in astonishment. There is no apple tree in front of my living-room, but there is one in front of my neighbor’s!
两个小时后朋友从公寓打电话给我。他说，美餐了一顿以后，他现在正在听我的一些磁带。在煤气炉上，他找到了一个平底煎锅，煎了两个鸡蛋，并吃了冰箱里的冻鸡肉。他说他现在正在喝着一杯橘子汁并希望我能跟他一起享受。当我问他是否很顺利地进人我的公寓时，他回答说，他并没有在擦鞋的垫子下面找到钥匙，但幸运的是，苹果树旁边的那扇起居室的窗户正好开着，他就爬了进去。一番话听得我目瞪口呆。我的起居室前根本就没有苹果树，而邻居家前面到是有一颗!
笑话是民间口头创作的`一种体裁，它植根于20世纪初的俄罗斯语言文化中。下面是阳光网小编带来的短篇英语笑话带翻译，欢迎阅读!
短篇英语笑话带翻译精选
Job Technique
Vacationing on the island of Oahu, we were waiting in our tour bus for some stragglers to show up. A man, obviously not with our group, approached the bus and was about to board. How would our driver handle the situation, we wondered. Straight-faced, he leaned toward the door and asked, "Going to the nudist Colony, sir?"
"Oh, no," replied the would-be passenger, retreating quickly.
"Works every time," the driver said with a wink.
Notes:
(1) Oahu n.瓦胡(岛)
(2) straggler n.落伍者;掉队者
(3) show up显现
(4) approach v.走近;接近
(5) be about to(do)(表计划)即将做
(6) board v.上(船、火车、飞机、公共汽车等)
(7) straight-faced adj.板起面孔的
(8) nudist Colony天体营(裸体主义者实行其信条的场所)
(9) retreating quickly迅速后退。这是一个分词短语作状语，表示伴随状况。
Exercises:
根据短文填空：
① We were waiting in our tour bus for some _____ to show up.
② A man, obviously y not with our group, _____ the bus and was to board.
③ How would our driver _____the situation, we wondered.
④ He leaned _____the door.
⑤ "Oh, no, " replied the_____ passenger, _____quickly.
22.工作技巧
在瓦湖岛上度假时，我们坐在旅游车里等候掉队的人。一位男子，明显不是和我们一起的，朝旅游车走来并要上车。司机会怎么处理这种情况呢?我们都拭目以待。司机拉长了脸，向车门靠过去，问道：“先生，是去天体营吗?”
“哦，不，”刚想乘车的男子回答说，迅速转身而逃。
“每次都管用，”司机眨巴了一下眼睛说。
练习参考答案：
① stragglers ② approached;about ③ handle ④ toward ⑤would-be; retreating
短篇英语笑话带翻译阅读
A Bad Doctor
A man walked into a doctor's examining room.
"Put out your tongue," the doctor said.
The man put out his tongue and the doctor said.
"0. K. You can put your tongue back now. " the doctor said. "it's clear what's wrong with you . You need more exercise."
"But, doctor, " the man said. "I don't think--"
" Don't tell I me what you think, " the doctor said 揑 am the doctor, not you. I know what you need. I see hundreds of people like you. None of them get any exercise. They sit in offices all day and in front of the television in the evening. What you need is to walk quickly for at least 20 minutes a day. "
"Doctor, you don't understand," the patient said "I -"
"I don't want to hear any excuses, " the doctor said. "You must find time for exercise. If you don't, you will get fat and have health problems when you are older. "
"But I walk every clay," the patient said.
"Oh, yes, and I know what kind of walking that is. You walk a few feet to the train station from your house, a few more feet from the station to your office , and a few more feet from your office to a restaurant for lunch and back. That's not real walking. I'm talking about a walk in the park for twenty minutes every day. "
Please listen to me, doctor! " the patient shouted, getting angry with this doctor who thought he knew everything.
"I'm a mailman," the patient went on, "and I walk for seven hours every day. "
For a moment the doctor was silent, then he said quietly, "Put your tongue out again, will you?"
Notes:
(1) examining room检查室
(2) mailman n.邮递员
Exercises:
根据短文选择正确答案：
① The first thing the doctor asked the man to do was to_____ .
A. walk to work
B. exercise
C. show him his tongue
D. see hundreds of other patients
② The doctor would not_____ .
A. tell the patient what was wrong with him
B. let the patient speak
C. took at the man's tongue
D. let the patient watch television
③ The doctor told the man that he____ .
A. should get more exercise
B. should stop making excuses
C. should watch more television
D. was already too fat
④ The doctor_____ .
A. gave him good advice
B. walked seven hours a day
C. was really a mailman
D. was wrong
⑤ So we can know _____.
A. the man was very lazy
B. the man should do more exercise
C. the doctor was very kind to the patient
D. the man was not a good and careful doctor
23.庸医
一人走进一家诊所。
“伸出舌头，”医生说。
那人伸出舌头，医生很快地看了一下。
“好了，把舌头缩回去吧。”医生说，“你的病因很明显。你需要更多的运动。”
“但是，医生，”那人说，“我不认为----”
“不要告诉我你认为怎么样，”医生说，“我是医生，不是你。我知道你需要什么。我看过数以百计的你这样的病人。他们没有一个人锻炼过。他们整天坐在办公室里，晚上就坐在电视机前。你所需要的是每天至少快跑20分钟。”
“医生，你不知道，”病人说，“我----”
“我不想听任何理由。”医生说，“你应该抽出时间来运动。如果你不锻炼，那么当你老的时候，你就会变得很胖，并且有健康问题。”
“但我每天都走路的，”病人说。
“喔，是的。我知道那是一种怎样的散步。你走几英尺的路，从家到火车站，又走几英尺从车站到办公室，然后走几英尺从办公室到餐馆去吃中饭再回来。那不是真正的散步。我所说的是每天在公园里散步20分钟。”
“请听我说，医生!”病人叫起来，对那位自以为什么都知道的医生很生气。
“我是一名邮递员，”病人接着说，“我每天得走7小时的路。”
医生闷在那里半天无语。然后他轻声地说：“再把你的舌头伸出来，行吗?”
练习参考答案：
①C②B③A④D⑤D
短篇英语笑话带翻译学习
Saving Grace
Vacationing in Hawaii, my husband and I went out to dinner one night at one of its finest restaurants - When presented with the check, my husband reached into his pocket for his wallet, but somehow lost his balance and fell over. As the people at the next table looked on in astonishment 'he said, "The food was delicious-but wait till you get your bill!"
Notes:
(1) Hawaii n.夏威夷(岛)
(2) fall over落下;跌下
(3) astonishment n.惊诧
Exercises:
根据短文回答下列问题：
① Where were the husband and wife vacationing?
② Where did they go one night?
③ Did the husband fall over before or after the meal?
④ How was the food there?
⑤ The husband was mocking himself to save grace, wasn't he?
24.保全面子
在夏威夷度假时，一天晚上，丈夫和我去一家最好的饭店吃饭。当侍者拿来账单结账时，我丈夫把手伸进口袋掏钱包。但不知怎的，他失去了平衡，仰面摔倒了。在邻桌的人还在惊讶地望着他的时候，他说：“饭菜味道是很美----但也要等结了账再走呀。”
练习参考答案：
① In Hawaii ② One of the finest restaurants ③ After the meal
④ Delicious ⑤ Yes
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